Posts Tagged ‘Chennai’

Padhin Kavanagam for Dummies

April 4, 2010 17 comments
Padhin Kavanagam for Dummies

Padhin Kavanagam for Dummies

Padhin Kavanagam is the art of doing 10 different things SIMULTANEOUSLY, as told by my Tamil teacher in the 8th Grade. ‘Dasavadhani’  is the Vada Naattu name to denote a person who is capable of the same. Ever since i heard that, i thought to myself these are all highly overrated concepts and not at all possible at least in our world. Let alone Munis and Rishis and all heavenly figures in sexy clothing. I was pretty sure these are all to-be-extinct tamil words.

All these thought until i saw it with my own eyes. That too in Chennai, in the ever crowded Mount Road. He did not look like a saint. He did not have big beards. He did not have thandai and kamandalam. He did have a latti and thoppi. He didn’t wear Kaavi, he sported Kaakhi. No prizes for guessing. It’s the traffic police inspector. Here’s Padhinkavanagam explained with examples for Dummies’ sake.

1. Keeping an eye for a Potentially Mamooling Vehicle. Yamaha R15 or Royal Enfield Thunderbird driven by 19 year old guys with French beards and Liverpool jerseys are like marinated chicken pieces ready to be fried. Always on the look out for easy cash.

2. Blocking the already madakkufied vehicle in such a way that he doesn’t take off without paying the ‘fine’. Mostly involves the easy way – removing the vehicle key or sometimes the hard way – standing right in front of the vehicle with one leg on the front tyre. All those months of training in the Training Academy pays off now.

3. Checking the Driving License of the Madakkufyee . No need to get into details like seeing whether the face matches, doubts about whether he was fully dressed while the PP photo was taken and all. Coz, it was one of them who granted those wonderful licenses. Paambin Kaal Paambariyum.

4. There is no big scope in Licenses nowadays. But big booty lies in the Vehicle insurance section. A quick check whether the date of the insurance has expired always ensures that there’ll be no regrets afterwards.

5. Nobody just surrenders without a fight or a pleading. Ranging from ‘Sir engappa yaaru theriyuma’ to ‘Sir intha thadava vitrunga sir. Please office kku time aachu’ and even to ‘Inthaanga engappa line la irukkaru, pesunga’ . So gotta be ready to talk out and take out cash  in any of these situations. One of my all time favorite small talk from a Traffic Policeman is ‘Ithellam enga pocketukku illa. Governmentkku. Paaru Billellam podren. Correct a amount kooda ezhutharen paaru’. Bill booka print panrathe ivanga thaan. Hmph.

6. While the talk is going on, billing goes on parallely. “Deenadayalan , 200 rooba , overspeed. Intha pa . Inga oru kayezhuthu podu. Inga katna 200 rooba . Courtukku pona 1000 rooba . Epdi vasathi?”

7. While all these things are happening, a sad lonely walkie talkie is shouting with all its might in his belt strap. It’ll look like they dont seem to listen to what it says. But a subconscious part of the brain is always gathering information from the call, a chennai map materializing inside his head. If that processes any words like “Accident, 2 wheeler, and any place which is 5 km from where he is standing”, then he must hurry. Accidents mean big cash. And early bird gets the worm.

8.  Checking on the Constable is another threaded process. Traffic SI or Inspectors don’t ‘catch’ cases technically. Some brave constable men run into the middle of the road, scare the guy on the bike to death and then take him to the SI . So there is a high possibility that the constable may himself pocket some side amount. Constable check is very important as it splits valuable cash.

9. Amount check is the important of all. ” Antha white color field marshall bike irukulla, athula petrol tank pouch la amount a vechittu poidunga. Naan kaila vaangarthe illa” maybe easy to say. But those intense moments when he walks to the bike and keeps the cash are too important. Afterall it was a result of a hard day’s work.

10. Standing in the roads at noon time in Chennai itself is a big achievement. So they refresh themselves by sipping onto Elaneer/Karumbu Juice/Cool Drink most of the times. The refreshments are provided free of cost by the nearby shop keepers out of their respect towards traffic police men.

This 10 item cycle goes on and on and on, till the collection for the day had reached the desired threshold value. So thinking about the fact that CCTP Inspectors are capable of super human feats, makes me feel proud. Really Proud to trod among these Padhin Kavanaga Kaavalaalis.

Please note: The Post is intended only against corrupt traffic policemen. The remaining 2.4578 % Traffic Police can safely ignore the post.


10 things you can never miss while driving on a Chennai Road

February 18, 2010 15 comments

Lets start this post with an important message . Chennai is the greatest city in the world . It has anything and everything one would ever wish for. It has beaches with small stalls for lovers to ‘rest’ when the sun is scorching, great theaters with Rs.10 tickets, hang out spots which are totally cost less, plazas meant exclusively for samosa eating and window shopping, good schools, Imba Colleges and so on . But the most fascinating thing about Chennai is its roads . Roads are fascinating, taking in account the things which happen daily in them. After driving in Chennai i can surely say any biker can drive in any city across the world . You kinda develop a 7th Sense , which draws green color graphs before your eyes every time you look on the road . Which tells you which way is that Kezhavi standing in the middle of the road, gonna cross . Keeping all this mind , well what are the 10 most common things you can find in any Chennai road?

1.‘Talk to my hand’ telekinesis practitioners

These are the set of people who just cross the road keeping a hand in the buddha palm position, looking away from you. Their extreme telekinesis power combined with the buddha palm technique learnt from Stephen Chow makes it possible to stop the high-flying Chennai traffic to kneel down in front of them .

2. Clairvoyant Private Company Bus Drivers

Private company bus drivers are all trained in mind reading . Driving that big-ass vehicle itself is an art after all but still they read the minds of everyone who follow them. You move right, he moves right. You move left, he moves left . When you finally find a gap and decide to overtake him, his brain cell controlled steering wheel automatically turns in a pendulum motion so as to scare you off .

3. Venusian Women

These are women who just landed from Venus . They can be seen driving a pink scooty pep or spark wearing a peculiar gloves which was bought back in Venus. The gloves cover the whole hand right from the fingers to the bicep area . A trendy helmet which covers half of the head can be spotted too . It’s not their fault as their skin is highly reactive to direct sunlight which makes this space suit mandatory.

4. Busy Board of Directors

CPH or The number of calls per hour ratio is very high in case of this category people. The headset connected to the phone serves dual purpose of hearing high volume death metal music and attending calls from other Board of Directors thereby giving them a complete isolation from the material unimportant things happening in the road .

5. Einstein Mechanics

Einstein Mechanics are a group of people who defy the laws of physics and travel in speeds nearing the speed of light. They also have remodeled Yamaha bikes which emit noises in the Threshold of Pain level . More than half of their population comprises of Mechanics who sit away from the centre of gravity of the seat just like our friend ‘Murugan’ in Kaadhal . Hence the name .

6. Share auto Samurais

They are deadly assassins trained highly in controlling the speed of the vehicle. Bugatti Veyron may give 0-60 in just 2.5 secs but when it comes to 60-30 and 30-60 back again these guys are the best in the world. Thanks to the Reflex Action training certification from the FBI, they can immediately stop and start when they smell a potential customer.

7. Members of the Mobile Meditation Squad

Meditating while driving requires high expertise and should not be tried out by General Public . The members in this squad are usually seen driving M80 or a TVS XL Super on ECR and OMR. Maximum speeds reach 40 kmph and are seen to be driving 90% of the time in the centre of the road. Don’t let their looks fool you . They maybe wearing teal coloured half helmets from the 90’s but still can you meditate while you drive?

8. Greenpeace sanctioned Water Lorries

People may refer them as Yamavaahana or Killing machines or whatever but Metro Water Lorry Drivers are really VIP members of the Greenpeace Org. They take very good care of the water resource and make sure that not a single drop of water is wasted on the road. The watertight containers from James Cameron’s Titanic Set ensures the water wastage is kept at a check.

9. Lovers at the 2.4578th  Base

Divine Love or ‘Theiveegal Kaadhal’ knows no bounds . They are actually highly trained professionals who travel in bike with almost a vacuum formed between their bodies. And what else , they can easily reach 2.4578th base while driving a bike in a road as public as Pamela Anderson. Call it Juggling Skills or Motor Skills these guys are true pros.

10. ‘Pico’ Car Owners.

Forget about the nano , the pico is here.  Much smaller and cheaper version of the nano which looks EXACTLY the same as any bike but can hold upto 4 people. All those years in Gemini circus made them masters in balancing acts . A trained man can drive his pico with himself, his plump wife who weighs >80 kgs , his two children who are now in 8th and 6th standard respectively.

Ending on a great note about a page i saw in facebook , ” I`m From Chennai. That Automatically Makes Me Ten Times Cooler Than You !”