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ஆண்டு விழா

October 9, 2016 4 comments

பள்ளி பருவத்தில் நாடகங்கள் சில நடித்திருக்கிறேன். சுற்றி உள்ள பிற பள்ளிகளில் ரோமியோ ஜூலியட்களும், ஷேக்ஸ்பியரின் மற்ற கதாபாத்திரங்களும் கை கோர்த்து காதல் வசனம் பேசி வந்த வேளையில்; எங்கள் பள்ளியில் முருகர்கள் உலகத்தை சுற்றி வருவதும், கட்டபொம்மன்கள் தூக்கிலிடப்படுவதும் வருடாந்திர நிகழ்வாக இருந்தது. அப்போ கொஞ்சம் வயித்தெரிச்சலா தான் இருந்தது, ஆனா இப்போ நெனச்சா பெருமையா இருக்கு. நான் பதினோராம் வகுப்பு படிக்கையில் நடந்த ஆண்டு விழாவில் ‘விபீஷண சரணாகதி‘ எனும் தலைப்பு தேர்ந்தெடுக்கப்பட்டிருந்தது. ஆங்கில வசனம் வேற. அன்று பாடம் முடிந்ததும் என்னை அழைத்து “5 மணிக்கு நியூ ட்ராமா ப்ராக்டீஸ். 7ஏ கிளாஸ்ரூம்க்கு வந்துடு” என்றார் என் ஆங்கில டீச்சர் . “என்ன ரோல் மேம் எனக்கு ? ” என்று கேட்டதற்கு ஒன்றும் கூறாமல் சிரித்து விட்டு சென்றார் .

நாடகம், அதற்கு ஒத்திகை, ஆண்டு விழாக்காலம் என்றாலே ஒரே ஜாலி தான். இதை சாக்காக வைத்து பல வகுப்புகளை கட் அடித்து விட்டு போகலாம். அதே குஷியுடன் 5 மணிக்கு போனேன் . பல தெரிந்த முகங்கள் மத்தியில் அவளும் இருந்தாள் . “நம்ம பேட்ச் தான்டா வேஸ்ட். நம்ம சீனியர் செட்டும் சூப்பர், ஜுனியர் பொண்ணுங்கள பத்தி கேக்கவே வேணாம், யார பாக்கறது யார விடறது தெரியல” என்ற உலக வழக்கு என் பேட்ச்சுக்கும் பொருந்தும். ஆயினும் இந்த சமன்பாட்டில் சேராத ஓரிரு பெண்களில் அவளும் ஒருத்தி. நாடகத்தில் நமக்கு ஜோடி கதாபாத்திரம் அவளுக்கு கொடுத்தா நல்லா இருக்குமேன்னு நெனச்சிக்கிட்டே எங்க இங்கிலிஷ் டீச்சர் கிட்ட போனேன். “உனக்கு தான்டா சென்ட்ரல் ரோல். இருக்கிறதிலேயே நிறைய டயலாக் வேற. ஒழுங்கா பண்ணிடு” என்று சொல்லிக்கொண்டே கையில் சுமார் மூன்று பக்க வசனத்தை கொடுத்தார். பெருமையோடு வாங்கினேன். தலைப்பில் பரிச்சயமான ஒரு பெயர். ஹனுமான்.

அந்த ஒரு நொடியில் மனதில் பல பிம்பங்கள் ரோட்டை கிராஸ் பண்ணி சென்றன. குரங்கு முகத்துடன் நீண்ட வால் வைத்து பள்ளிக்கு முன் ஸ்டேஜில் நிற்பது துவங்கி, ‘ஜோடியா கேக்கற ஜோடி‘ன்னு கடவுளே காரி துப்புவது வரை. “சான்ஸே இல்ல மிஸ், வேற ரோல் குடுங்க எனக்கு” என்றேன். “அதான் சொன்னேனே உனக்கு தான் டயலாக் அதிகம்ன்னு” என்றார். “அவளுக்கு என்ன ரோல்?” என்று கேட்டேன் ஏதோ நவீன ராமாயணத்தில் ஆஞ்சநேயருக்கு ஆள் இருக்கற நெனப்புல. “சீதா” என்றார். படார்னு நெஞ்சு வெடிக்கற சத்தம் கண்டிப்பா பிரின்சிபால் ரூம் வரைக்கும் கேட்டிருக்கும். “ராமர மீட் பண்ணியா” என்று ஒரு 12th சீனியரை நோக்கி கை காட்டினார். மனசுக்குள்ள “மேடி… மேடி… ஹோ ஹோ மேடி” பாட்டை போட்டு அவனை ஒரு முறை நன்கு முறைத்தேன்.

ஓரிரு ஒத்திகைகள் முடிந்தபின்தான் தெரிந்தது எனக்கும் அவளுக்கும் இடையில் நிறைய வசனங்கள் உள்ளனவென்று. ஆனால் வேடிக்கை என்னென்னா அதில் முக்கால்வாசி வசனங்கள் ஆரம்பிப்பது ‘மதர்‘ அல்லது ‘சீதா மாதா‘ வில் தான். நல்லா செஞ்சீங்கடா. இதுல உச்சகட்ட காமெடி சீதையும் ராமரும் நின்று கொண்டு முதல் தளத்திலிருந்து வசனம் பேச, என் மொத்த வசனமும் நான் முட்டி போட்டு பேஸ்மெண்ட்டிலிருந்து தான் பேசிக்கொண்டிருந்தேன். இப்படி முட்டி தேய ஒரு மாதம் ஒத்திகை பார்த்தபின் இறுதியாக ஆண்டு விழா வந்தது. இத்தனை நாள் பள்ளி சீருடையில் ஒத்திகை பார்த்து பார்த்து வேஷம் போடுவதில் உள்ள குல்மா வேலைகள் தெரியாமல் போய்விட்டது.

நான், சுக்கிரீவன் மற்றும் வானர கூட்டங்கள் சென்று வாயில் ஒரு அயிட்டத்தை ஒட்டிக்கொண்டு வந்தோம். எனக்கு ஒரு வால் பொருந்திய பஞ்சகச்சம் தயாராக இருந்தது. அதை மாட்டிக்கொண்டு வரிசையில் நின்னால் எனக்கு பின் அஞ்சு-பத்து அடிக்கு ஒருத்தனும் நிக்க முடியாது. அவ்ளோ நீள வால். இதையெல்லாம் மாட்டிகிட்டு சட்டை எங்கடான்னு தேடிட்டு இருந்தேன். எங்க இங்கிலிஷ் மிஸ் வந்து “ஹனுமான் சட்டெயெல்லாம் போட மாட்டார்டா. அந்த நெக்லஸ்ல்லாம் போட்டுட்டு வா. டைம் ஆச்சு” என்றார். ஏற்கனவே அருமையான கெட்டப், இதுல டாப்லெஸ் வேறயா! முடியவே முடியாதுன்னு ஒற்றை வாலில் நிற்கவே சிம்மாசனத்திற்குப் பின்னிருந்து விசிறும் பெண்களிடமிருந்து எக்ஸ்ட்ரா சில்க் துப்பட்டா ஒன்றை உஷார் செய்து கொடுத்தார். முத்து படத்தில் வர்ற வயசான ரஜினி ஸ்டைலில் அதை உடலில் சுற்றிக்கொண்டு வந்தேன் .

என்னடா நம்ம கோலம் இப்படி அலங்கோலமா இருக்கேன்னு நினைத்துக்கொண்டு வெளியில் வந்தால் விஷ்ணு கதாபாத்திரத்தில் நடிக்கும் நண்பன் எதிரில் வந்தான். உடல் முழுவதும் அடையாளம் தெரியாத அளவிற்கு நீல பெயிண்ட். நம்ம எவ்வளவோ பரவாயில்லை என்று மனசை தேத்திக்கொண்டு மேடை நோக்கி சென்றேன். மண்டோதரி, சீதா உட்பட எல்லா பெண் கதாபாத்திரங்களுக்கும் முழு அலங்காரத்துடன் பட்டுப்புடவை வேற. பாதி டயலாக் அங்கேயே மறந்து போச்சு. நாடகம் துவங்கியது. ஆஞ்சநேயர் வேஷம் போட்டிருக்கோம், மனச அலைபாய விடக்கூடாது என்று சிந்தனையை ஒருமுகப்படுத்துகையில் “சாமி வேஷம்ன்றதுனால ரெண்டு நாள் கவுச்சி கூட தின்னாம இருந்தேன்” ன்னு கமல் சொல்லுவது நினைவுக்கு வந்தது. எப்படியோ நல்லபடியாக பாதி நாடகம் முடிந்தது. அப்போதான் சைத்தான் சைக்கிள்ல வர ஆரம்பித்தது.

அவரவர் காட்சி முடிந்தவுடன் திரைக்குப் பின்னே இருக்கும் ‘பேக் ஸ்டேஜ்‘ க்கு செல்வோம். அடுத்த காட்சி வரும் வரை அங்கிருப்போம். எங்க ஸ்டேஜ், பெஞ்சுகள் ஒன்று சேர்த்துக் கட்டப்பட்டு அமைத்திருந்ததால் திரைக்குப் பின் பெரிய பள்ளம் இருந்தது. ஒரு காட்சி முடிந்ததும் நான் வேகமாக ஓட, என் வாலினால் பேலன்ஸ் மிஸ் ஆக , வேறு எங்கும் தாங்கிப் பிடிக்க இடமில்லாமல் போக, என் பக்கத்தில் சிம்மாசன விசிறி ஜூனியர் பொண்ணு ஒன்னு நிக்க, கப்புன்னு அனிச்சையா அவள் இடுப்பைப் பிடித்து நான் தாங்கி நிற்க, கேவலமாக ஒரு முறை முறைத்தாள். நல்ல வேல செருப்பு போடல. மீதி நாடகம் முழுவதும் விசிறியை என் மூஞ்சில் விட்டெறியப்போற மாறியே விசிறினாள்.

நாடகம் முடியும் வேளையில் உச்சக்காட்சி நடக்குதம்மா‘ என்ற சீனில் சீதை தான் அணிந்திருக்கும் முத்து மாலையை கழட்டி என்னிடம் குடுப்பாங்களாம். நான் அதில் என் ராமரின் பெயரைத் தேடிக்கொண்டே இருப்பேனாம். அப்படியே திரையை மூடி நாடகம் முடியும். இதுல நம்ம சீதா டுபாகூர் மாலையைத் தராம, அவ போட்டிருந்த ஒரிஜினல் முத்து மாலையைக் கழட்டி கொடுக்க, நானும் நாடகம் முடிஞ்ச குஷியில் எங்கேயோ தூக்கி அடிச்சிட்டேன். ஒரு மணி நேரம் அந்த வாலோட போய் தேடிக் கொடுத்துட்டு வந்தேன். பையன் கண்டிப்பா பசில இருப்பான்னு தெரிஞ்சு என் தாய்க்குலம் நாலஞ்சு சமோசாக்களை முன்னரே வாங்கி பார்சல் செய்து கொடுத்துவெச்சிருந்தாங்க. இரவு பதினோரு மணிக்கு அதை பங்கு போட்டு சாப்பிட்டு நானும் என் நண்பர்களும் சைக்கிளை உருட்டிக்கொண்டு சென்றோம். வாயில் சமோசாவை அடைத்துக்கொண்டே அந்த இடுப்பு மேட்டரை நண்பர்களிடம் சொன்னது இன்றும் நினைவில் உள்ளது!

Guhados Periyappa

April 24, 2011 18 comments

It was a pleasant evening in Besant Nagar beach. Vignesh had come from Bangalore and Me, Vignesh and Senthil were lazily walking in the beach after a full kattu at Mash. Talking intellectually about the matters boys usually speak. Starting from Politics touching a little bit of cinema and ending at Figures in each of our offices. It was all going well until i got this message from an unknown number. Initially i wasn’t suspicious and I really thought it was a wrong message. But the language in the message made me a little suspicious. I thought maybe some friend of mine is so vetti on a Saturday Evening and wanted to play a game with me. All right. I decided to jump in. But was still a little too skeptical and thought there is 90% chance that it was actually a wrong message. Anyways i replied.

At this point i wasn’t expecting a reply incase it was actually a wrong message. Or was expecting some rage reply from the guy 🙂 . Anything but certainly not this.

Ha. Now i was sure that it was one of my friends. If the ‘Hoy‘ and ‘AthimberIyer Bashai wasn’t enough, the name Priya was a big let down. It is the most commonest name in Tamil Girldom. ‘Idiot cant even think of a better name’ i thought to myself. I was fully into the mood by this time. We discussed among us and came into conclusion for the next reply. Then it went….

The next reply was a lame one. We were puzzled. We were thinking of the remote possibility that it might actually be some Iyer Aathu Priya. Then we came back to our senses. ‘Evano namma kooda vilayadran’ ‘Vida koodathu‘.

We were ROFLMAO ing by now. Whoever is doing this must be very good in timing i thought. We were 99% sure that it was a prank. Coz

1. Nobody talks like that on messages

2. If at all it is a girl, she should have figured that i am not her athimber by now with the crap I am talking

3. Who changes number when they go to trichy?

So i was thinking of sending a strong brahmastra to bring the guy to his knees. Then i sent …Okay.. I was a little freaked out now seeing that reply. No one can be this lame. And i dont have time for pranks. So i called the number. I was expecting a ‘Machi‘ or a group of guys laughing or even a ‘Unakku Piriya kekkutha, Piriya‘ … But it was a GIRL who said Hello and then it went ‘Aaan, Sollunga Athimber‘. It.was.a.GIRLLL.

I had no idea what to do. I was yelling hello, hello just to find out whether it was still a prank and if the girl started laughing. Nothing happened. I thought she would figure out from my voice that i am not her athimber. That didnt happen either. She was repeating the same thing. *Beeep* . There.. I hung up. And Vignesh and Senthil were laughing uncontrollably looking at my facial expression. Many things such as Police, Cyber Crime, Eve Teasing were running in my head. Then i thought ‘Thoo, ithu sappa matter da. Not worth eve teasing‘ . Now my 99 % of Prank call chance went to below 1 %. Okay one last message i thought and sent.

That is the funniest sms conversation i’ve ever had in my life. I can never forget Priya, her athimber who strangely has the same mobile number as me and most importantly Guhados Periyappa who went on a tour to trichy with someone to visit Perumaal.

Welcome, Junior Editors

July 1, 2010 1 comment

Junior Editor: Sir, we couldn’t find any news for the last page of our Newspaper for this week.

Editor: Did you just say that you couldn’t find News?

Aahh. Yes.

Come, walk with me.

Okay.

Hear Hear Boy. We aren’t running a Newspaper to report Quality News from around the world so that many people can benefit from it. We are running a TABLOID for God’s sakes. How the hell can you run outta news ? Now Listen…

Editor: Weren’t there any raunchy photoshoots of any actress?

Junior Editor: No

Any one joined the PETA?

No

Any wannabe actor got some new tatoo on his back ?

Nopers.

What the he.. Nopers? Don’t do that again. You know i hate gay people.

Sorry Sir.

Moving Forward….No Marriages happenin around?

No

What about Divorces?

We covered ’em last week

Last Week ? No one has applied for divorce in a whole fuckin week ?

I am afraid no sir

Not even celebrity crushes ? No teen celeb revealed her crush and all ?

Ah . No.

Any new preggos ?

No go.

What about the paparazzi ? Any singer on vacation in Hawaii, Bahamas ? Sun bathing? Water Skiing ? Hanging out with Presidents and Tennis Stars ? Anyyything ?

No No No

Did they close down the whole of Hollywood and send everyone to castrate sheep in Montana ?

Wow is that so ?

Ahh. God. Kill me right now.



Junior Editor 2: Sir Sir.

Editor: Yes

See if this photo is Okay. For our first page.

Hmmm. Well too much exposure.

Exposure ? But Sir, the photo of Megan Fox last week was more exposing.

Whatt? Not that Exposure idiot . The photo exposure. The thing to do with too much of light. Understand now ? Photoshop this crap and put it up . You actually thought i was worried about some extra skin show? And i thought you were the intelligent of the lot.



Editor: Shew. Did you get any news now ?

Junior Editor 1 : Me ? Now ? How ? I am standing right here.

Editor: Ya keep standing, Keep sitting in your ass all day and finally tell me that you don’t have news.Great .

Editor: Leave all these. Didnt any, by any i mean Hollywood, Kollywood, Bollywood, any actress release any statement about sex in a whole damn week ?

Hmmm we had a close shot at it. But didn’t work out.

Editor: Talking about close shot, where the hell is the photographer who we paid to take photos of random chicks at parties?

Junior Editor 1: He didn’t turn up yet. Must be hungover from last night’s party i guess.

Editor: I haven’t seen him in weeks!!

Well thats what you pay him for. You know i initially applied for that job. But…

Shut the hell up before i kill you. Locate him, dealcoholize him and bring him here.



Editor: Btw aren’t there any news in Celebrity Gossip, celebuzz, E! , Huffington Post which we can use ?

Junior Editor:You mean to lift news?

Who are you, the FBI ?

I’ll Check ’em out Sir.

Didnt that Steve Jobs guy invent something new ?

They are covering that news in the Main paper.

Main paper my ass. How the hell do those people get the news always and you keep whining like a little girl ?

Sir, i just got an idea. Can we do a cover story on Jabulani ?



Editor: There’s my boy!! Get a big, high def picture of her. Preferably less clothes. If there’s no such picture, get any of her pic to that graphic designer guy in 6th floor. I heard he is an expert in ‘altering’ clothes in photos. Get it done. Put a 5×7 picture of her accompanied by some crap news. Tell that she is going to act in the next Harry Potter movie or is currently dating Robert Pattinson or some shit. We don’t have much time. Chop Chop. I have a meeting now. Will see you later.

Junior Editor: Sir Sir. But its the World Cup Ball.

Editor: What ? Ya ya . Tell her she likes the world cup and she has a crush on ….. lets say…Cristiano Ronaldo and I don’t care if she has balls. You try to grow a pair if possible. See ya.

Men will be Men

May 24, 2010 24 comments

Arun: Dei, got your joining letter la ? July 30. Chennai thane ?

Kanagu: Ya Ya. Athe than. Shew, atleast we are in the same branch.

Arun: Ya da. College a ye kalakkina maari , office a yum kalakkanum.

Kanagu: Enna kalakkalo. Neeyavathu color colora program llam poduva. Enakku therinja ore program ‘Hello World’ thane

Arun: Dei, athellam mattere illa da. And did you check out that orkut community of our new joinee batch.

Kanagu: Kanna, orkut llam school pasanga use panrathu. I am currently only on Facebook, Twitter, Buzz you know.

Arun: Adangu da. But paravala girls use panrathu Orkut thaane. Twitterla high levela irukkarthellam onnu PSBB, illa MOP. Seri, I checked the community. Believe me, Egapatta figures da. Perellam paathale ponnu azhaga irukkumnu thonuthu.

Kanagu: Athaane paathen. I thought you went to the community to gather info about training and all. And appadi ennada pera paatha.

Arun: Archana Nair, Sulaba Malhotra, Kamini Iyer nnu ennanennavo perunga machi. Ithanaila onnu rendu koodava nalla irukkathu?

Kanagu: Kaalam bathil sollum da . Badhil Sollum. But I have a doubt. 14 years of Coed School, 4 years of Engg coll life, ithula correct pannatha ponnaya ippo correct panna pora ?

Arun: Ha Ha. I was expecting you would ask this question. You see, school la college lla llam girls will be bound by many restrictions da. When you start working, you earn.. So ponnungellam independent a think panna aarambichiduvaanga. And that is our big advantage. So, office la aal pudikkarthu Can-Can.

Kanagu: Huh. The one thing I like about you is the way you justify your inability to get a girl with some high school nonsense. Ennavo machi kudiyum kudithanamuma aana santhosham thaan.

Arun: Hmmm, you still seem skeptical. Machi ill tell you what is waiting for us in office. In case you have a good looking girl in your team or in the neighboring team, chances of you and her talking alone are very high.

For instance you’ll have tasks to be done together, you both will meet in the elevator like a million times, you’ll have lots of team lunches, team building crap sessions, outing, late night works close to deadlines, cab drops incase of those late night works, a thousand official phone calls out of which a few can be turned personal and moreover she’ll have doubts which you may solve and vice versa too. Ippo sollu machi, ivlo vaippu kudutha nee goal poda maata ?

Kanagu: Yappa ! Dei naan mattum goal pottennu vechikoyen unakku treat machi.

[ One year later]

Kanagu: Dei I was transferring data from my old phone to new. Look what I found. It is a phone conversation we had about an year ago. Appo etho thonichennu record pannen. Inikku kaalaila fulla atha kettu semma sirippu.

Arun: Dei we had lots of conversations. Which one ?

Kanagu:  [pressin play button in the phone] This one.

For instance you’ll have tasks to be done together, you both will….

Arun: HA HA.

Kanagu: Eppadiyellam emanthirukkom. Naama pesina antha stereo type azhagaana ponnukku already 6 adi oyarathula, semma bodyoda, sekka sevelnu oru boyfriend iruppanra mattera naama yosikkave illala.

Arun: Vidra Vidra. Trisha kedaikkalenna Divya. 2nd floor la, delivery team kku pudhusa vanthirukkara  fresher group la oru ponnu takkara irukkan. Patchi sollichu. Unakku than antha team antha Anand a  theriyumla, va va va va. Seekaram va.

Men will be men.

Padhin Kavanagam for Dummies

April 4, 2010 17 comments
Padhin Kavanagam for Dummies

Padhin Kavanagam for Dummies

Padhin Kavanagam is the art of doing 10 different things SIMULTANEOUSLY, as told by my Tamil teacher in the 8th Grade. ‘Dasavadhani’  is the Vada Naattu name to denote a person who is capable of the same. Ever since i heard that, i thought to myself these are all highly overrated concepts and not at all possible at least in our world. Let alone Munis and Rishis and all heavenly figures in sexy clothing. I was pretty sure these are all to-be-extinct tamil words.

All these thought until i saw it with my own eyes. That too in Chennai, in the ever crowded Mount Road. He did not look like a saint. He did not have big beards. He did not have thandai and kamandalam. He did have a latti and thoppi. He didn’t wear Kaavi, he sported Kaakhi. No prizes for guessing. It’s the traffic police inspector. Here’s Padhinkavanagam explained with examples for Dummies’ sake.

1. Keeping an eye for a Potentially Mamooling Vehicle. Yamaha R15 or Royal Enfield Thunderbird driven by 19 year old guys with French beards and Liverpool jerseys are like marinated chicken pieces ready to be fried. Always on the look out for easy cash.

2. Blocking the already madakkufied vehicle in such a way that he doesn’t take off without paying the ‘fine’. Mostly involves the easy way – removing the vehicle key or sometimes the hard way – standing right in front of the vehicle with one leg on the front tyre. All those months of training in the Training Academy pays off now.

3. Checking the Driving License of the Madakkufyee . No need to get into details like seeing whether the face matches, doubts about whether he was fully dressed while the PP photo was taken and all. Coz, it was one of them who granted those wonderful licenses. Paambin Kaal Paambariyum.

4. There is no big scope in Licenses nowadays. But big booty lies in the Vehicle insurance section. A quick check whether the date of the insurance has expired always ensures that there’ll be no regrets afterwards.

5. Nobody just surrenders without a fight or a pleading. Ranging from ‘Sir engappa yaaru theriyuma’ to ‘Sir intha thadava vitrunga sir. Please office kku time aachu’ and even to ‘Inthaanga engappa line la irukkaru, pesunga’ . So gotta be ready to talk out and take out cash  in any of these situations. One of my all time favorite small talk from a Traffic Policeman is ‘Ithellam enga pocketukku illa. Governmentkku. Paaru Billellam podren. Correct a amount kooda ezhutharen paaru’. Bill booka print panrathe ivanga thaan. Hmph.

6. While the talk is going on, billing goes on parallely. “Deenadayalan , 200 rooba , overspeed. Intha pa . Inga oru kayezhuthu podu. Inga katna 200 rooba . Courtukku pona 1000 rooba . Epdi vasathi?”

7. While all these things are happening, a sad lonely walkie talkie is shouting with all its might in his belt strap. It’ll look like they dont seem to listen to what it says. But a subconscious part of the brain is always gathering information from the call, a chennai map materializing inside his head. If that processes any words like “Accident, 2 wheeler, and any place which is 5 km from where he is standing”, then he must hurry. Accidents mean big cash. And early bird gets the worm.

8.  Checking on the Constable is another threaded process. Traffic SI or Inspectors don’t ‘catch’ cases technically. Some brave constable men run into the middle of the road, scare the guy on the bike to death and then take him to the SI . So there is a high possibility that the constable may himself pocket some side amount. Constable check is very important as it splits valuable cash.

9. Amount check is the important of all. ” Antha white color field marshall bike irukulla, athula petrol tank pouch la amount a vechittu poidunga. Naan kaila vaangarthe illa” maybe easy to say. But those intense moments when he walks to the bike and keeps the cash are too important. Afterall it was a result of a hard day’s work.

10. Standing in the roads at noon time in Chennai itself is a big achievement. So they refresh themselves by sipping onto Elaneer/Karumbu Juice/Cool Drink most of the times. The refreshments are provided free of cost by the nearby shop keepers out of their respect towards traffic police men.

This 10 item cycle goes on and on and on, till the collection for the day had reached the desired threshold value. So thinking about the fact that CCTP Inspectors are capable of super human feats, makes me feel proud. Really Proud to trod among these Padhin Kavanaga Kaavalaalis.

Please note: The Post is intended only against corrupt traffic policemen. The remaining 2.4578 % Traffic Police can safely ignore the post.

10 things you can never miss while driving on a Chennai Road

February 18, 2010 15 comments

Lets start this post with an important message . Chennai is the greatest city in the world . It has anything and everything one would ever wish for. It has beaches with small stalls for lovers to ‘rest’ when the sun is scorching, great theaters with Rs.10 tickets, hang out spots which are totally cost less, plazas meant exclusively for samosa eating and window shopping, good schools, Imba Colleges and so on . But the most fascinating thing about Chennai is its roads . Roads are fascinating, taking in account the things which happen daily in them. After driving in Chennai i can surely say any biker can drive in any city across the world . You kinda develop a 7th Sense , which draws green color graphs before your eyes every time you look on the road . Which tells you which way is that Kezhavi standing in the middle of the road, gonna cross . Keeping all this mind , well what are the 10 most common things you can find in any Chennai road?

1.‘Talk to my hand’ telekinesis practitioners

These are the set of people who just cross the road keeping a hand in the buddha palm position, looking away from you. Their extreme telekinesis power combined with the buddha palm technique learnt from Stephen Chow makes it possible to stop the high-flying Chennai traffic to kneel down in front of them .

2. Clairvoyant Private Company Bus Drivers

Private company bus drivers are all trained in mind reading . Driving that big-ass vehicle itself is an art after all but still they read the minds of everyone who follow them. You move right, he moves right. You move left, he moves left . When you finally find a gap and decide to overtake him, his brain cell controlled steering wheel automatically turns in a pendulum motion so as to scare you off .

3. Venusian Women

These are women who just landed from Venus . They can be seen driving a pink scooty pep or spark wearing a peculiar gloves which was bought back in Venus. The gloves cover the whole hand right from the fingers to the bicep area . A trendy helmet which covers half of the head can be spotted too . It’s not their fault as their skin is highly reactive to direct sunlight which makes this space suit mandatory.

4. Busy Board of Directors

CPH or The number of calls per hour ratio is very high in case of this category people. The headset connected to the phone serves dual purpose of hearing high volume death metal music and attending calls from other Board of Directors thereby giving them a complete isolation from the material unimportant things happening in the road .

5. Einstein Mechanics

Einstein Mechanics are a group of people who defy the laws of physics and travel in speeds nearing the speed of light. They also have remodeled Yamaha bikes which emit noises in the Threshold of Pain level . More than half of their population comprises of Mechanics who sit away from the centre of gravity of the seat just like our friend ‘Murugan’ in Kaadhal . Hence the name .

6. Share auto Samurais

They are deadly assassins trained highly in controlling the speed of the vehicle. Bugatti Veyron may give 0-60 in just 2.5 secs but when it comes to 60-30 and 30-60 back again these guys are the best in the world. Thanks to the Reflex Action training certification from the FBI, they can immediately stop and start when they smell a potential customer.

7. Members of the Mobile Meditation Squad

Meditating while driving requires high expertise and should not be tried out by General Public . The members in this squad are usually seen driving M80 or a TVS XL Super on ECR and OMR. Maximum speeds reach 40 kmph and are seen to be driving 90% of the time in the centre of the road. Don’t let their looks fool you . They maybe wearing teal coloured half helmets from the 90’s but still can you meditate while you drive?

8. Greenpeace sanctioned Water Lorries

People may refer them as Yamavaahana or Killing machines or whatever but Metro Water Lorry Drivers are really VIP members of the Greenpeace Org. They take very good care of the water resource and make sure that not a single drop of water is wasted on the road. The watertight containers from James Cameron’s Titanic Set ensures the water wastage is kept at a check.

9. Lovers at the 2.4578th  Base

Divine Love or ‘Theiveegal Kaadhal’ knows no bounds . They are actually highly trained professionals who travel in bike with almost a vacuum formed between their bodies. And what else , they can easily reach 2.4578th base while driving a bike in a road as public as Pamela Anderson. Call it Juggling Skills or Motor Skills these guys are true pros.

10. ‘Pico’ Car Owners.

Forget about the nano , the pico is here.  Much smaller and cheaper version of the nano which looks EXACTLY the same as any bike but can hold upto 4 people. All those years in Gemini circus made them masters in balancing acts . A trained man can drive his pico with himself, his plump wife who weighs >80 kgs , his two children who are now in 8th and 6th standard respectively.

Ending on a great note about a page i saw in facebook , ” I`m From Chennai. That Automatically Makes Me Ten Times Cooler Than You !”


Kolling Time

July 13, 2009 12 comments

Blog, fish tank maari . Food podaama iruntha meenellam sethu poidum . Idhukkagave appappo oru post pottu blog a uyiroda vechirukka vendiyirukku . It’s been ages since i blogged. Coz i didnt get any damn topic to talk about. Suddenly oru thought. Kaila vennaya vechittu neikku alairomennu . So indru naam alasappogum topic ‘Fighting Boredom’ . Or as i say Kolling the time .

Few students from our class have taken the MS route and are waiting to go to the US soon.  Some more guys have already joined jobs mostly in B’lore and Chennai . College la irukkara varaikkum oru message kooda anuppadha Dogellam ‘ Hi , this is So-n-So , I am leaving to B’Lore for work . This is my new number’ nu kaduppadikarthukkaagave oru message anupparaanunga. Adha vidunga. This leaves us with the fair amount of people who are waiting for work to start . The author actually falls/lies/vizhunthu-kedakkarar in this category . This post is aimed at that select population of people .

Namma Vadivel sonna maari Chumma irukkarathu ulagathulaye romba kashtamaana vishayam . But once you face it and live with it you can master it . So here are my 10 steps to Murder Boredom.

10. Set Top Box: If you don’t have any Direct-To-Home connections please get one . Beleive me you cant watch Kolangal and Arase daily . Appadiye Discovery channel oru ‘Future Weapons’ , AXN la oru ‘So you think you can dance’ ippadi paathomna arivum valarum , time pass aana maariyum irukkum .

9. Movie Download: If you are not a big time movie watcher better try to become one . Movies are a big timepass and ya they give you something to ‘Peter’ about . ‘Dei , i saw that Wrestler movie that day. Mickey Rourke Acting chance illa la’ – Meaning ‘ I downloaded and saw the movie Wrestler , What about you ‘ .

8. Blog: This is a bit too much , but you can actually blog about some random nonsense and pester your friends to read it . Shoo Shoo shut up guys i dont write nonsense . Hmmm if you are devoid of topics, take the evergreen route ‘College Life’ is there and then ‘The last movie i saw’ is there and ya the latest topic ‘R.I.P. MJ 😦 ‘ is there . So make yourselves comfortable and write something .

7.Useless Mail: You can actually join some no-good yahoo group which sends so called ‘funny-pics’ to your mailbox . Will serve as a morning warmer . Uh put a filter for the words ‘Cute , Cats , Dogs’ etc coz most of the time you’ll be looking at some chinese baby photos with some newborn kittens . Annoying at many times.

6.Kootu Sadhi: Try to meet up with ‘Like’ friends who are also vetti . Vetti+Vetti= Great Freaking Timepass . You can talk about absolutely anything from Obama to Vettaikaaran to Megan Fox. Killing time one topic at a time 😀

5.Times of India: Please subscribe to TOI or DC . Don’t buy hindu for god’s sakes . Does Hindu have crucial info like which-actor-is-going-out-with-whom and all that stuff . No . So get one of these two papers and you already would have killed half your time.

4.Games: If you are a fan of computer games then well and good you wouldn’t have come to my blog on the first place if not i have an idea . If you have successfully accomplished Step 6: Kootu Sadhi then life becomes easier. Get a pack of cards , one coke 2 liter bottle and some snacks . Sorgam . My personal advice is to get a carrom board . Imba entertainment .

3. Sleep: Thookatha vida oru sirandha timepass enna irukka mudiyum . Veetla AC iruntha pottittu nimmadhiya thoongunga . Sleeping will increase our working capability aan . Some idiots have told . So sleep well .

2 .Twitter: Twitter sema fun . If your friends are giving useless boring status updates which you dont understand most of the time , dont worry ; follow some famous people at twitter . Take me for example , i follow @KimKardashian , @aplusk(Ashton Kutcher) etc . Its great to see what these guys update . I mean ‘ I am feeling better today’ , ‘Off to airport’ and all that crap . So you can console yourself that more vettier people are there in the planet .

1. Facebook: People who dont have a FB account close this tab right now . FB is the big daddy of all things which eat time . You can

  • Use brilliant , AI mastered applications like ‘ What color are you’ , ‘When will you die’ , ‘ What element are you’ . Beats the living hell out of you .
  • Look at your friends  giving mind boggling updates such as ‘ I shouldn’t have done that . I regret it ‘ , ‘I will not be happy any more, but that doesn’t matter, there are many other things in this world’ and such random stupidity.
  • Take noob quizzes which even a 7 year old will ace and then publish it with a Happy Smiley as status .
  • Play great games like Mafia Wars and say ‘ I am looking for a Blue Ribbon , I am looking for 5 of Spades ‘ and whatever you like .

and so on .

So i just gave you a dash of what Step 8 looks like . Experience the others yourselves . Don’t thank me yet . Proud to be Vetti .